I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
