I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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