I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
