I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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