I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
