Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
