highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
This toilet bowl is my home.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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