Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
