Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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