It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
