He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
