All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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