I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
