At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Randomize
