you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You left your underwear on the fireplace
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Randomize
