So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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