Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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