When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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