There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
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We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
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I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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