On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
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If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
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he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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