I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
