While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
