I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
