Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
