i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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