i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
