i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
