My girlfriend figured out who you are.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
someone owes me an orgasm
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
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