She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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