As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
