Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
what day is it and did you see me today?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
