I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
