Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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