I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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