accomplished twins. life is a go
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
