We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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