I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
