I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
