last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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