So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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