I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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