My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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