So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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