I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
