i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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