soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
