If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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