I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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