You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
