My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
