The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
