he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
