Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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