I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
