I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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