I didn't shave. On purpose
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
