someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
