Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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