He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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