friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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