if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
