you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
it was like having sex with a tree stump
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
