I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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