Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
