so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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