We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
