Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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