Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
